Saturday, March 1, 2008//1:25 AM

when's my BigBreak gonna come

I was talking to my oh, that's fabulous, darling! camwhore partner meiling and she was saying "when is my big break gonna come man" and "if i were to strike it rich, i'd buy myself n u guys all u want. you all happy, i also happy". Cuz we were talking about the material world and family and all the hassles that come in between the glitz and glamour of all that jazz.
Haha she totally gets me. But like she's more fortunate than me in some sense. She's got rich n powerful lobangs everywhere. I'm jealous! hmph. But like actually ML's saying how i can make it there too, and inwardly i think i know it too myself. The whole story on how i'll make it for the Island creamery job. But the key. The KEY! its to socialize. I think im a closet extrovert. lawls right. Here's the thing: i find it extremely EXHAUSTING to socialize. There's that prim cool image you ALWAYS have to uphold. And you gotta always stay glamorous. cant make any mistakes. Like get caught with no underwear. Ok kidding. nuh, not really. And once you make new socialized friends like those people from The OC and The Hills, you gotta constantly hang out with 'em and keep the relationship up. Or else you'll be one of their fading friends. And by then you asking them for a avor would be irrelevant cuz you're not their technically-termed-friend anymore. Im not saying i cant socialize. Im saying I actually think i might be good at it given more experience, but im scared. yeah, that's the word i was looking for. Im scared.
I want it. I wanna live my dream. the dream every person has. Make it rich and be contented at the same time. And bless others with your blessing, yadda yadda. But i can't. I don't have the energy to get my resources. I think i can get my resources, but i also possibly get killed in the process. Dying of emotional exhaustion. ML agrees that socializing is exhausting and hassle-laden. But "No pain no gain. Everything has a price." Agreed. Thus my fear.
Thus my hope and another dream that faith is all i need. Faith in God. (ok, hard work and tenacity are necessary too. ) But still. Could life be this easy?
All i have to do is trust God and put faith in Him; then maybe if I don't get my big break via career, He'll bless me with His own heavenly lobang? Or maybe i'll be the lobang. Niiiiiicce (:
Maybe i have to go the ellen route. Work hard and suffer for awhile, but press on and you reach your big break. She's the lobang man. I just hope I get my big break soon. Model, psychologist, future Oprah, author, media. Whichever way. Its nice to have some cash. Have you ever heard anyone rejecting cash?
I think the most harmless route to take is the God route. It'll very well be the hardest, but im quite sure its the most harmless one. Cuz i'll be covered with celestial insurance already. hah.
But still. I hope i get to live my dream. Life shouldnt be squandered away dreaming you know. Work at it. So guess right now i just have to be diligent. Work smart and hard. Academia and Bible wise. This post is so long and naggy and so righteous sounding. Its got all the solutions typed out. My blueprint is just above, a few lines away. But still, i have no idea why that ominous feeling of discontentment's there. Looming misery and everything else. The whole unhappy family's here. bloody hell. I think all i need now is cash for some retail and makeover therapy. yeah, that's gotta be it. I hope.